Shyam, driver of the vehicle which was ferrying Keqiang told us in an exclusive conversation that Keqiang requested Bablu, owner of the chowmein cart to serve him Chinese. He adds that the Chinese Premiere was taken aback by cumin and Indian chillies which went into the cuisines. He also expressed deep disappointment with the thickness of noodles and Manchurian balls. He said that Manchurian people will be shocked to learn the conditions under which Manchurian balls prevail in New Delhi. In a face-saving exercise, Li Keqiang was hushed away to expensive oriental restaurants located in Chanakyapuri. The damage anyway has been done to China-India relations as Keqiang will take up the issue with Indian government to seek control over Delhi so that authentic Chinese is served in every nook and corner of Delhi.

A spokesperson of the party in power has shifted the blame on Keqiang back saying that he should not have ventured into the territory which was not reserved for him. He also asserted that Chinese have a habit of intrusion and this time it cost Keqiang his taste-buds  In a goodwill gesture, Gas-O-Fast antacid has offered free supply of the syrup to the Chinese leader. Keqiang has meanwhile warned India that in order to have cordial relations with China, Indian street food vendors will have to quit serving Chinese which has come as a blessing in disguise to millions of Indians.

Disclaimer: This is strictly a work of fiction based on writer’s imagination which means no harm to the people, place, companies, animals, things and aliens this it has mentioned.

India and Afghanistan have a strategic pact under which India has been extending help to Afghanistan in many sectors including military as well. Afghan soldiers have been getting military training at Indian institutions. This help has not been extended to arms yet which Karzai would make a case for he arrives in India on the 20^th. Foreign troops would exit Afghanistan by 2014 following which Afghanistan would be on its own in terms of security. Thus military aid from India is a crucial issue for Afghanistan at the moment.

There are speculations that cooperation with India in military domain by Afghanistan might lead to even more strained relations between India and Pakistan. The re-election of Nawaz Sharif might lead to friction as Sharif has claimed on previous occasions that India uses Afghanistan to destabilize Pakistan.

A case came to light in July last year where a man in Indore, Madhya Pradesh, mechanic by profession locked up his wife’s genitals by drilling a hole on the either side and putting a lock which could be opened using a key. The case of Sohan Lal Chouhan who committed the atrocious act of locking up his wife’s genitals has now been punished with a ten years rigorous imprisonment. What is even shocking about the case is that three of the 14 witnesses turned hostile including the woman’s own children. The eldest daughter of the couple was also subject to alleged rape by Chouhan which led to her mother, Sitabai whose genitals were locked to consume poison. It was to remove the poison that doctors treated her and found the locked genitals.

Reportedly Chouhan doubted Sitabai to be in an extra-marital affair which drove him to commit such a ghastly act. He also seems to be a person of pervert mentality that he even tried to rape his own daughter. The mentality behind locking the genitals and committing acid attacks on women is not much different. The understanding that a woman does not have a right on her body as much as the male members control it dominates our society. Whenever male members have an iota of insecurity over their right to a female member’s body, they resort to acid attacks and genital mutilation. In certain societies such as in Africa, Norway, Indonesia and even in Britain’s African community, young girls have their genitals mutilated as part of a ceremony in order to keep their virginity intact until marriage. Procedures range from a small circumcision to even sewing up of vagina such that only a little hole is allowed for menstruation and urination. It is not enough to question the physical act of this violence. It is utmost necessary to also question how religion, norms like virginity and suppression of women in other domains lay the ground for such inhuman acts. The crime is not just physically locking, the very thought of locking up is violent.

BJP has signalled plans to quit Nitish government once Karnataka polls are over. Such a strong move by BJP comes after Nitish openly and explicitly blamed Modi for 2002 Godhra riots. This might look like a genuine irking of BJP at the hands of Bihar CM especially when there is an almost consensus on Modi as the choice for prime ministerial candidate. But there is more to what meets the eye. The real reason for the split is JD (U)’s absolutely unacceptability to Modi as the PM candidate for NDA. JD (U)’s backing of Modi for the contest will lead to a huge electoral loss in Muslim vote base to the ‘secular’ party. This being said, the actual motivation for BJP and JD (U) to part ways lies in the importance of the 2014 election. BJP is trying to win an election here which will bring it into power especially if Modi is projected at the helm in situation of a victory. JD (U) which has a limited scope than BJP is trying to grab as many seats which can get it as many ministerial berths in return. Both the parties have a contradictory vote base but it is none the less an alliance of ideological discomfort but pragmatically soothing for the power fortunes of both. Right now as the script is looking like, both are aiming to woo their respective vote base. By parting ways, JD (U) can woo Muslim voters in the name of this temporary divorce, while Hindu vote base will certainly celebrate the choice BJP makes in favour of Modi by breaking this 17 years old alliance and would reward BJP suitably. This move thus looks like a mutual divorce where both know that once fruits of this separation have materialized, they can be together again, until it suits them of course.

Photo Courtesy: The Hindu

statements as a tribute. Tribute for what? Do we need to think of a valid reason to pay tribute to him when Katju himself does not think twice before shooting these gems? So here goes out the list of his five most absurd statements:

#1 ”India is not a full-fledged democracy as 90 per cent of its people vote like sheep and cattle.”

This is the latest gem which Markandey Katju has delivered to us while speaking to a TV Channel on 30^th March,2013. He added, “ Ninety per cent of Indians vote in droves like sheep and cattle. They are like a herd of cattle voting along caste and religious lines…because Indians vote like livestock, there are so many criminals in parliament.”

What he meant was that Indians follow a herd mentality while voting on caste and communal rights. It was a strong rebuke from the retired Supreme Court judge but clearly not in a well-thought choice of words.

#2 “Very poor intellectual level of Journalists”

Katju in 2011, rightfully as the Chief of Press Council of India, pointed out the lack of intellectual armour in Indian journalists, when he said, “The general rut is very low and I have a poor opinion of most media people. Frankly, I don’t think they have much knowledge of economic theory or political science or literature or philosophy. I don’t think they have studied all this.” Recently he went on to call for a minimum qualification and professional degree for journalists, on similar lines as lawyers and doctors.

#3 Salman Rushdie is a “poor”, “substandard writer” and if not for his ‘Satanic Verses’ he would have remained unknown

This was Markandey Katju on Salman Rushdie after the controversy over Rushdie’s visit to Jaipur Literature Fest, 2013. Katju seemed to be reprimanding the intellectual circle of India (and whatever that means!) when he called Indian people as suffering from colonial inferiority complex because they valued writers living abroad, the likes of Rushdie who live on the “ghats of the Thames” but not indigenous writers like Kabir, Premchand, Sharat Chandra, Manto, Ghalib, Faiz, Kazi Nazrul Islam and Subramania Bharti.

#4 It is hard to believe “”that Modi had no hand in 2002″

In mid-February, Katju in an article questioned the role of Narendra Modi in Godhra riots by saying that there is a mystery surrounding what happened in Gujarat and even if no law has found him guilty so far but it was tough for him to believe that Modi has no role in 2002 Godhra riots. His article led to a bitter war of words between him and Arun Jaitley with Jaitley calling him “more congress than congress”, a label he readily accepted today by calling himself- ‘Congman’.

#5 “90% of Indians are idiots”

Katju said this in a seminar in December, 2012 while he also added that 80% of Hindus and 80% of Muslims are communal. He blamed this on the colonial policy of divide and rule. It was a statement given with an apparent noble intention but as usual Katju framed it in way that it snowballed into a controversy.

Photo Courtesy: India Today

rape victims in early March, the archaic two finger test, use of the word ‘rape’ and identifying if the victim is habitual to sexual discourse were out for ever, a sign of medieval thinking coming of age. To my utter surprise this was highly under-reported in the media. I could only find an Indian Express report on it which covered it in detail. Although it is just a draft which is now open for public scrutiny but the changes it has made to how a rape victim is now medically examined will have positive social outcomes.

This is the first time that health ministry has come out with a manual to prescribe guidelines on how to examine rape victims. It has banned the use of the term; ‘rape’ clarifying that it is a legal term and not a medical definition.  It goes as far to recognize that forcible sexual intercourse might not leave any medical evidence because emotional manipulation or any other pressure tactic might have been used to perpetrate sexual assault on the victim. Also worth appreciation is a draft toolkit for psychological support to rape victims. This recognizes that sexual assaults do not leave the victims only physical abused but also mentally bruised.

One of the most important guideline that has been set is banning of the two finger test. The two finger test which is medically called as, ‘bimanual examination’ involves insertion of two fingers in the vagina by the doctor to assess if any injury has been caused to the pelvic region and condition of urinary tract and uterus. This test is also linked to assessing if the victim is sexually habitual or not. This is the most problematic aspect of the test as it is used as evidence in the court. It intrudes into private details of the victim like if she is sexually active etc. to the court. Enters the picture patriarchal mind-set of the judiciary, lawyers and police and the larger society and rape victim has her case weakened. The cheap mentality which plagues our society is that if a woman is sexually active then her rape does not hold the status of as grave a crime. More crucially, if a woman has an active sex life is not related to rape at all. Rape is sexual intercourse without consent and even if it is a sex worker who has been forced into a sexual intercourse, according to law it is rape. The only purpose which evidence of habitual sexual intercourse serves is that it leads to questioning of the character of the woman and further justifies a crime as heinous as rape!

The step taken by health ministry is noteworthy but rightfully credit goes to human rights and women right activists who have been raising demands to stop the practice of two finger test since a long time. The draft manual is now up for public debate.

Update #1: In a related development, Supreme Court has upheld two finger test as an intrusion on victim’s right to consent and privacy and has asked the government to work on better medical procedures to replace this practice.

All India Parachutes Association (Registered) is now thinking of filing a defamation case if Rahul does not take back his statement. In related news, there have been also cases of oil spill in households as oil from Parachute bottles started oozing out in a volcanic eruption as soon as Gandhi said that he is a parachute. A girl has also been reported to have got dandruff as soon as she applied parachute oil. We have not been able to contact Parchute Oil till now but according to our sources, all the bottles are angry with the statement thus have stopped functioning and might go for a total bandh.If this continues, dandruff will be the next big crisis facing the country after inflation and scams.

Disclaimer: This is strictly a work of fiction based on writer’s imagination which means no harm to the people, place, companies, animals, things and aliens this it has mentioned.

All the curiosity around David Warner’s selection was put to rest as the aggressive southpaw, recovering from a thumb injury, was picked for the opening tie and will set the ball rolling along with Ed Cowan.

Apart from the only spinner, Australia have also overlooked Mitchell Johnson and picked the young Mitchell Starc. Some argue that Starc’s credentials with the bat might have tempted the selectors but the fact of the matter remains that his job is to bowl.

The touring side are set to miss Shane Watson’s services with the ball as the all-rounder will play as a specialist batsman. To make up for his loss, Moises Henriques is all set to bag the baggy green and the team management will expect him to bowl the way he did in the tour game recently.

Devoid of Ricky Ponting and Mike Hussey, chunk of the batting pressure will be shared amid skipper Michael Clarke and Shane Watson. Others would look to make most out of this tour and as they say, no player is the same after a tour to the sub-continent.

Nathan Lyon, the only spinner in the squad, will look to emulate the success enjoyed by English spinners, Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar, when the team toured India in December for the four-match Test series.

The Chennai strip has had the reputation of assisting the slow bowlers and with fair amount of assistance for the seamers early on. If all stays on course, it promises to be a cracker of a game.

Squad: David Warner, Ed Cowan, Phillip Hughes, Shane Watson, Michael Clarke (capt), Matthew Wade (wk), Moises Henriques, Peter Siddle, Mitchell Starc, James Pattinson, Nathan Lyon.

If 835 runs in a Ranji season, that too in only the seven matches he played, are not enough for a national call then I wonder what example we are setting for youngsters modelling them around these cricketers. Age, as they say, is just a number and with the struggle we are facing at the top of the order, Jaffer could well have been our rescuer in chief.

There is no age for class and flair and with the form Jaffer is in, it was ideal to inject him into the scheme of things and tear apart an ordinary looking Australian attack. It is understood that BCCI is hell- bent on grooming youngsters for a packed away schedule but the question remains – Why do we keep thinking ahead and bask in past glory? Why no attention is paid to the present?

The mandate should have been to field the best fifteen for the four-match Test series and take a call on the South Africa tour once you have tamed the kangaroos. But no, our dear selectors are too focussed on countering the likes of Dale Steynl, Vernon Philander and Morne Morkel.

What about Clarke and Co.? Many have voiced the fact that Jaffer got a raw deal and should have been there. Not let’s assume that the Mumbai opener is picked for the South Africa series as the team’s opening combinations fails big time against Australia. What then? What if Jaffer will not be able to time the way he is doing it right now?

If an off-colour Sachin Tendulkar can find a place in the XI then an in-form Jaffer, at thirty-five, is definitely capable to set the ball rolling for India.

The need for a Jaffer is all the more important in this phase of Indian cricket. For players like Murali Vijay, Shikhar Dhawan, Virat Kohli and Cheteshwar Pujara, it could have worked wonders if the right-hander would have been around when the four cement their respective slots in the XI.

An epitome of patience and temperament, Jaffer will have to wait another year, another season to make a statement, yet again. If the opener can play a pivotal role in guiding Mumbai to title No.40 then the he could have well worked India towards the same numbers, 4-0.

The BCCI laid down a well chalked out plan to test the available talent in the country and give the existing lot a food for thought. The Ranji Trophy proved to be just the needed push Indian cricket needed at the moment as plenty of players caught eye-balls with a string of impressive performances.

India, fresh from the ODI series win against England, were looking for answers, especially at top of the order. The opening combination was struggling big time and with a heavy away schedule post the Australia series, it was imperative for the selectors to groom openers for the same.

Both Gautam Gambhir and Virender Sehwag failed to provide the team with a good start and the team, relying heavily on bat first and bat big ideology, was found playing the catch-up game.

The selectors made their intentions clear by announcing a well-planned squad for the Irani Trophy and the tour game against Australia. Despite some good performances from the Ranji veteran Wasim Jaffer, the right-hander was overlooked for the Test call as Shikhar Dhawan and Murali Vijay were picked at the cost of the struggling Gambhir.

However, the panel, headed by Sandeep Patil, had no clue about what the Delhi southpaw (Gambhir) was cooking. The elegant left-hander made a statement by striking an impressive hundred against the attack consisting of Mitchell Starc, Peter Siddle, Xavier Doherty and Nathan Lyon.

After Gambhir it was Manoj Tiwary, who has been warming the bench for a considerable period now, came to party as the Bengal batsman gave a well-timed reminder with a classy hundred.

As things stand, the home team is flooding with options and the onus will be on the selectors to fill the right slot with the right people. Rumours are that VIrender Sehwag might be asked to bat down the order and make way for specialists Vijay and Dhawan.

If that is the case then in-form Gambhir, waiting in the ranks, will be hanging like a sword over the duo, who will be under immense pressure to perform in the limited opportunity they get.

The middle-order, too, is not settled and demands some serious thought and attention. Cheteshwar Pujara seems to have carved a niche and looks settled at the number three position. The man following him is the little master Sachin Tendulkar, who too has made his intentions clear after some good outings in the middle.

Indian cricket’s poster boy – Virat Kohli – is another certainty at the number five position. The real task is to fill the number six spot. Filling is okay but with what? Ravindra Jadeja’s inclusion hints at the possibility of a spinning all-rounder but if India go with a specialist batsman then Ajinkya Rahane is all likely to don the white against the tourists.

The centre of all discussion will be the bowling attack devoid of the experience Zaheer Khan and express Umesh Yadav. In such a scenario, Ishant Sharma will be entrusted with the responsibility to lead the attack with Bhuvneshwar Kumar, who has impressed one and all with his ability to swing the ball both ways. With the pace department almost sorted, the catch-22 situation is with the slow bowlers. Should India go ahead with Harbhajan Singh and Pragyan Ojha or R Ashwin and Ojha? That we will have to wait and watch as the veteran off-spinner has already made a statement with some rhythmic bowling in the Irani Trophy tie and if things go as expected, the turbanator is a couple of days away from his 100^th Test cap.

Our expected XI: Shikhar Dhawna, Virender Sehwag, Cheteshwar Pujara, Sachin Tendulkar, VIrat Kohli, MS Dhoni (c and wk), Ravindra Jadeja, Harbhajan Singh, Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Ishant Sharma and Pragyan Ojha.

You agree with us? If not, post your comments below. We will ensure that our voice gets the needed ears.